Are You Lonesome Tonight

The title I have chosen for today’s missive comes from a popular song written by Roy Turk and Lou Handman in 1926.  It was recorded by Elvis Presley and was well known as a result.  This evocative title gets to the nub of the topic I want to explore today – are you lonely if you are alone.  Conversely, can you be lonely in the midst of people?  What does it mean to be lonely and is this something we should be concerned about?

I was inspired to write about this by two events in the last few days.  One was an episode of the CBC program Wiretap that was broadcast Sunday night.  The other was an episode of On Being hosted by Krista Tippett on NPR.  The Wiretap episode explored the idea that Hell is other people.  It used a plot outline of the Jean Paul Sartre Play, No Exit to introduce the episode.  Here is the plot summary is taken from the entry on Wikipedia:

The play begins with three characters who find themselves waiting in a mysterious room. It is a depiction of the afterlife in which three deceased characters are punished by being locked into a room together for eternity. It is the source of Sartre's especially famous phrase "L'enfer, c'est les autres" or "Hell is other people", a reference to Sartre's ideas about the look and the perpetual ontological struggle of being caused to see oneself as an object from the view of another consciousness.

The three souls find that they are in hell or in Hell because they can’t stand the personality traits of the other people they are stuck with.  But as it was noted on Wiretap, when given an opportunity to leave they decided to stay where they were.  We are left, perhaps, to conclude that this may not be hell.  Rather it is purgatory i.e., God’s waiting room where the people are being purged of their sins in preparation for entering Paradise. 

The On Being episode was an interview with Vivek Murthy, the Surgeon General of the United States entitled, To Be a Healer.  The episode can be found here https://onbeing.org/programs/vivek-murthy-to-be-a-healer/?utm_source=pause&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=OBKTS1.

He holds that loneliness can be positive in the short term but in the long term it can be harmful:

In the short term, the stress of loneliness serves as a natural signal that nudges us to seek out social connection — just as hunger and thirst remind us to eat and drink. But when loneliness lasts for a long time, it can become harmful by placing us in a state of chronic stress.” And then that has all this cascade of physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual ripple effects. But you also offered four strategies in that article that anybody could do that move us individually towards this social reality.

The four steps which should be possible for everyone, “and they are four simple steps, because it turns out that because we are hardwired for connection, even just a little bit of time and a little bit of investment in human connection goes a long way toward making us better.”

Here are the four steps:

1.       spend 15 minutes a day connecting with somebody you care about.

2.       give people your full attention when you talk to them.

3.       find opportunities to serve others.

4.       Find time for solitude

Murthy notes that we need to understand the difference between loneliness and solitude:

loneliness is not so much about how many people you have around you. It’s about whether you feel like you belong. It’s about whether you truly know your own value and feel like you are connected to other people. It’s about the quality of your relationships with others and yourself. The solitude is important because it’s in moments of solitude, when we allow the noise around us to settle, that we can truly reflect, that we can find moments in our life to be grateful for.

As an introvert, I have had a challenge in my life to differentiate my desire for solitude and my need to be alone to avoid the challenges of engaging people and my innate desire to avoid conflict.  I have had to learn to discern when I am spending time in my small corner to recharge my introverted nature and when it is out of avoidance.  This remains a bit of a challenge for me and I find it easy to retreat to my small corner.

May you be blessed to find solitude and connection on your journey.