What Drives Me To Continue

The last few additions have been dedicated to responding to questions which were posed to me by a reader.  Here are the questions for your reference and consideration:

Can you explain to me your grounding belief in the Trinity? I can’t explain internally the need for formal religion and rules and commitment. 

I agree that when you drill down to the bottom of all... be good treat people as you want to be treated..  try to correct wrongs when you can etc. 

Does it come down to blind faith? What drives you to continue?  Do you ever feel that your energy would better placed in just straight up social justice?

Today I will respond to the question: “What drives you to continue?”   That is a very personal question which I am not sure I have a complete answer for as it is a work in process.   The first thing that I ask myself is, what is it that I continue?   Is it my life long involvement with the church?  Following on with that thought, is it my decision to seek ordination as a priest which I continue to be and continue to serve, albeit in a different and less active role in retirement.  Is it someone who believes that dreams are one of the many ways, indeed one of the important ways, a way that God speaks to us and who works with others in discerning their meaning?   It is as a Spiritual Director which I have come to more recently?  Is it my attempts to be a husband and father to my spouse and children as flawed as they are?

Or is it more basic than all that.  Is it to continue to explore and discover how I can be the person I believe I should be and by extension become the person that I believe God created me to be? All of those things are connected and the idea of discovering and making incomplete and flawed and halting efforts in all those ways are what drives.  It is what I come back to no matter how I try to avoid it or rationalize not following that path which apparently God has laid out for me.

Let me give one example which I am most clear about.  I first felt the call to ordained ministry in my thirties.  I had been and continue to be actively involved in the church all my life.  At that point it was in the United Church of Canada.  I entered into the discernment process and followed that for some time until circumstances convinced me it wasn’t the time to pursue that path, I told myself that it really wasn’t for me ̶ perhaps a case of sour grapes.  In any case, my journey continued in fits and starts and sometimes what seemed to involve many disastrous wrong turns and dead ends.  

After some searching I ended up in the Anglican Church as my church home.  I continued on with life and was approaching retirement from my first career as a civil servant.  I began to be drawn to take courses in theology at Huron College, out of interest of course and never with the intention that it might lead to where it eventually did.  I continued on taking courses part time categorized as a ‘Special Student” which always tickled me as I secretly thought I was special.  I retired and after a short, brilliant (just kidding) career as a “consultant” still taking courses as a Special Student, I began to fell the pull to explore the possibility of ordination on the Anglican Church.  As I have said at other times I was hoping for a “Road to Damascus Experience” to get a clear massage that this was a call I should answer.  That never came, at least not that clearly as St. Paul received his (thank God).  It was more a case of God continuing to nag me which, I have concluded is often the way God works.

In any case I decided the only way to discern if God was actually calling me to this path was begin to follow it.   This is what I did and continue to this day.  One of the signposts along the way which I like to recount (as am therefore going to here) was a case of synchronicity (a Jungian term for significant coincidence).   I applied to be a full-time student in the MDiv program (apparently no longer ‘special’) and had an interview with the Dean of Theology.  After what was a very positive interview I was driving home and had my radio tuned to CBC as usual (radio 1 for those who listen to CBC).  There was a program in which three clergy were being interviewed about their experience of being called to ministry as mature adults (at least chronologically).  I took this as a sign I as on the right path. 

A big part of what drives me to continue is to keep trying to discern where God is calling me in my life.  I try do this in as many ways as possible.  I believe that God speaks to us in many different ways.  We are all more open to some ways than other but it is for us to try and discern the voice of God however we can.

Blessings on you journey and keep your eyes and ears and all your senses attuned to the voice of God.  

Civic Duty and Christian Duty

Last Tuesday I had to report for jury selection at the court house in London, Ontario.  I had received a summons about six weeks earlier while we were at our cottage in P.E.I.  The timing was fortunate because we had planned to return to our home here in Parkhill on Thanksgiving weekend and the summons was to appear on the Tuesday after the Thanksgiving Monday―perhaps fate or the gods were at work in that. 

This was my first experience being called for jury duty and I had mixed feelings about it.  I am very aware that serving on a jury is very important in our civil system of justice.  So, I did not resent being called. However, it did cause some disruption because, as usual, I had scheduled a lot of appointments for the first weeks back.  The information I received advised that I could be involved for two weeks so I cancelled some things and rescheduled other.  It was an inconvenience but not a serious one.  It was not as if I had to serve on a jury and lose wages which some people could find to be a serious problem as it seems more and more people live paycheque to paycheque these day.  The compensation offered by the justice system is limited and no compensation is offered for the first 10 days and then a limited amount after that.

The process itself was quite interesting and enlightening.  When I arrived, and found parking near the court house―which wasn’t compensated for―I made my way to the designated court house.  I did receive mileage (kilometrage?) as I lived over 40 km away.  I sat in the court house with all the other prospective jurors and we had the opportunity to watch an informative video about the jury system and the importance of serving on a jury as a civic duty.  It was all very positive―rather too much so―with (presumably) actors playing people who had served and found it was the most significant experience in the lives.  It was also very informative about the process of jury selection.  After that we were given a live edition of how the system works by the court administrator followed by the judge who was quite informal and who actually had a sense of humor which went against my stereotype of judges. 

We went through a very formal taking of attendance by juror number, which was on the summons along with occupation―Anglican priest in my case.  We had to declare if we were retired or not.  I was somewhat undecided as clergy don’t ever truly retire―but as I decided I was receiving a pension from the Anglican Church I was officially retired.  The jury pool had 160 people and about 140 were in attendance.  As one other members of the pool said sotto voce, I wonder what’s going to happen to the ones who didn’t show.  I imagine there would be some follow up. 

We were then advised that there was only one trial scheduled that day―a civil trial which only requires six jurors―so the odds of being selected were quite small.  There were two jurors who were selected and were peremptorily dismissed without cause and one who tried to beg off for a what seemed to be a somewhat flimsy excuse.  The judge, to his credit, did not let him off without some hard questioning and then not until after the selection process was complete.   I was not selected in the lottery which used an actual bin with the juror numbers which was spun before each ticket was drawn.  I was not selected and had clarified earlier that if we were not selected on that day I did not have to return the next day.  It was unclear if I would be part of the pool for the two-week pteroid indicated.  However, that was not the case, so I and the others were set free.  I was tempted to break out into, “free at last, free at last, thank God I am free at last,” which, of course, would have been a drastic over reaction.  I felt somewhat ambivalent but, on balance, relieved I did not have to serve on the jury of the trial which involved the London Transit System being sued by an individual.  We were not made aware of any of the other details. We were told however, that we should declare if we knew personally any of the individuals involved in the case including the witnesses. 

The process raised for me the principle of what the duty of a Christian is to the civil system.  What do we owe to Caesar and what to God?  In this case there was no conflict of course.  However, that issue has arisen many times in the past and will in the future.   Where are we called to not render unto Caesar the duty of a citizen.  What is the role of the conscientious objector?  What do we do when our duty to God conflicts with our duty to the state?  Jesus was executed by the civil authorities who were administering Roman justice which was brutal an yet was very advanced for its time.  It was done with the cooperation of the Jewish authorities.  He submitted and did not call upon the armies of angels to defeat those authorities―but that is a whole other topic or many topics for another day. 

It was an interesting experience which I am glad I had.  I am not sure I would welcome a repeat with open arms but I perhaps I shall see.